I’m Afraid of the Dark
Yep, it’s true, and I have no problem admitting it. The fear is so intense that I’ve been known, on many occasions, to RUN to flip a light switch when I’m home alone. I’ve also forced Nathan (again on many occasions) to walk back to the bathroom with me after we’ve watched something particularly scary (like CSI!) on TV. It’s the reason I hate it when Nathan goes out of town and leaves me alone in the house, and why, no matter how thirsty I am, I’ll almost never walk to the kitchen for water in the middle of the night. And now it’s one of the reasons that I don’t love getting up alone during the night to feed Annabel. You just never know what or who (!!) could be lurking behind the shadows. And it seems I have a bit of a morbid mind in which any crazy scenario is possible, so that doesn’t help either.
I’ll tell you what else doesn’t help. The fact that Nathan is such a deep sleeper. It does nothing to reassure me that if we were in danger in the next room, that he would spring out of bed to come and protect us. In fact, the other night I was changing Annabel’s diaper in her room when she projectile vomited what had to be the entire contents of her stomach. It freaked me out a little bit, so I called for Nathan. No response. I called again. Nothing. Finally I yelled out his name and he finally mumbled something and made his way in there.
Ok fine. It wasn’t an emergency, but what if it had been? What if I were being attacked by an intruder who quickly covered my mouth and I only had time to get out a quick yelp? Nathan would be useless as he would sleep right through it. That is not a comforting thought to someone who plays out bizarre scenes like that in her head while sitting alone (well the baby is there, but I don’t think she’s going to come to my rescue anytime soon) in the next room in the middle of the night.
Now some of you might be wondering why I don’t just feed her in our bed since she sleeps next to it in her bassinet. And the answer is going to sound a little bit stupid now that I’ve outlined how deep of a sleeper Nathan is. But here it is anyway: I don’t want to wake Nathan up now that he’s gone back to work. He sleeps through 99% of her noises, but sometimes she cries if I can’t get coordinated enough to feed her the instant she’s hungry. And if we were in our bed, it might wake Nathan, and I don’t want to risk it since I don’t think it’s fair for him to be up when he has to go to work in the morning. AND once we get into her room and I’ve turned on the lamp, I actually quite like our routine. We get snuggled up in the comfy rocking chair, turn on the iPod to some mellow tunes, and rock and rock while Annabel eats.
My least favorite part is turning off the light and making our way back to the other bedroom as my eyes try to adjust back to the darkness. Thank goodness for the night lights that now light her room, the hallway, and our bedroom! You didn’t think night lights were just for kids did you? 🙂