Does this baby make me look fat?

They say you are your own worst critic, which is completely true in my case. I’m pretty sure that I think things about myself that even my worst enemies would think were a little bit harsh. A lot of this criticism has to do with my appearance.

So what happens a lot is that I’ll feel really bad about my looks and then weeks or months or years later, I’ll look back on pictures and wonder why I was so hard on myself. I’ll have a Baz Luhrmann moment of enlightenment when I realize that I am not as fat as I imagine. But I’m pretty sure that’s only so that I can beat myself up in the current moment and remind myself of how much better I used to be. How much skinnier I used to be, how much more I liked my hair then (even though I’m sure I didn’t), how much cuter my clothes were, etc. Sigh. It’s an endless cycle.

Anyway, I had a moment like this the other day when I was looking back at pictures from early in my pregnancy. I remember feeling from very early on that my stomach was huge, that everyone could tell I was pregnant WAY too early, and that surely something was wrong with me. I seriously stressed about it (and to be honest, still do). But now looking at the pictures again, I feel completely silly. In these pictures where I thought I looked so huge, you can hardly see a bump! And any bump that was there was pretty much just my regular stomach pooch as opposed to baby bumpage. See?

So you would think this would serve as a reminder not to be so hard on myself all the time. But if the past is any indicator of the future, I’m pretty sure it won’t. I’m pretty sure that in a few weeks when my belly has grown even more, I’ll look back at this week’s pictures and think I was crazy for thinking I was so big. I can still try though.